I felt the need to write this. Not for anyone to feel bad, or sadness. But so someone that has gone through this, feels like other people have similar feelings.
I'm very open to reading new books, to healing, to growing. But for the last 3 weeks I was closed. Opening up and reading things people had suggested helped, and seeing alternative therapy helped as well. I realize now its a process, and just a part of life.
I got the call Monday, November 16 2015.
My grandmother from Russia called me that morning while I was training my clients and left me a message that she couldn’t reach my mom. I brushed it off and decided to call my mom myself, not suspecting anything had happened.
Through out the day I kept calling. Now getting a little worried but denying anything was wrong. A co worker even said, I’ll call your moms work, I don’t care who I have to speak to, I’ll do it for you.
No its ok, Ill try later.
I called her friend from work and asked if she had shown up. She didn’t show up to work that day.
I went back to train the rest of my clients. I told all of them that I was trying to get a hold of my mom and that I would keep my phone on me.
I came home and told my husband I was now really worried. He knew something was wrong too.
The police were called to check on the apartment where she lived, and now the waiting had begun.
I walked into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine, and in my head heard my mother crying to me saying “I’m sorry, Im sorry!”
I heard it loud, and clear. I even saw her saying it. I denied it.
Then I got the call.
Her and her boyfriend were found dead.
I pushed everyone away. Even my husband tried to hold me, and I pushed him away.
Are you sure? 100% sure?
I couldn’t believe it was true.
The only thing I was concerned about was telling my 12 year old sister and how she would react.
She was in shock. She cried a little, but held it together.
How can she be so strong? How can she act like that? I didn’t understand.
I tried to stay strong the whole week. I was fine through out her whole memorial service. I was in denial. I was trying to look good in front of all of her friends. I felt like I had to hold them up, and be ok for my mothers sake.
My beautiful angelic friends had organized everything. I was like a zombie. Just going through the motions.
Then we went home.
Now the paperwork had to start. I had to call businesses, banks, and take care of her financial paperwork.
I went into overdrive. I wanted to get everything done and forget about it.
I wanted to do the silliest errands: get her purse fixed, size her ring so I can wear it, cancel her phone, her cable…I just wanted it to be over.
3 weeks went by. I went back to work, but told myself I would take it easy. Mentally I didn’t. Any chance that was free, I tried to keep myself busy with more work.
All I really wanted to do, was be around her clothes, use her makeup, have anything that would help me feel closer to her.
I even texted her, knowing her cell phone was with me. I just wanted to feel her.
I went to an acupuncturist, and she mentioned something about “cutting the chord” to my mother.
On the 3rd week after her death, only then did I I begin to experience the sadness and the grief. It was a relief knowing that I was processing, but now I knew the overwhelming emotions would come out of nowhere and at anytime. And they do.
I know she is gone, but I still don’t believe it. I feel her presence, I feel like she sits with me when I’m on the couch, when I’m in my car, when I’m at work. And then I don’t feel her at all. When I’m crying, when I want her, when I’m reaching out for her.
I want to ask her, what happened? How did all of this happen? How it this possible? Where are you now, and what is it like? What is heaven like? Can you see me, do you feel me, can you hear me when I talk to you? Are you on the other side already?
My mother was my closest person to me. We were attached. We argued in our lives of course, but we were so connected. We were there for each other, no matter what. I felt like I was her protector a lot too. We went through a lot together. I feel like I should have protected her from this, but it wasn’t possible. I wasn’t there.
I wish I got to speak to her. I wish I could just feel her, and tell her that I love her so much.
How do you deal with this. How can we normally deal with this? Knowing our closest person is somewhere in heaven. We don’t even know what it looks like. Its like she has just disappeared into thin air.
I get sad, and then I get mad. Not at anyone in particular, but its just what I feel. I get mad that I cant control my own emotions. I feel weak when I cry.
When did I become too busy to take a walk outside? I literally feel guilty for resting. I feel guilty for taking time for myself, and taking time to “grieve” .
I feel I should be on the move all the time. How irrational!
Again. It doesn’t make sense.
I do know she is in heaven, and I believe she hears me.
That’s the only thing that does make sense.