How this year really feels...

How this year really feels

This year feels like a f******g struggle. The very first year after my mom died I was in such a rush to get everything done. It was a lot easier for me to work more and keep pushing through all of the paperwork, the appointments with lawyers, and the pain of moving her stuff, and figuring out what my next move was. I was so scared of the whole process. It's like I subconsciously decided not to feel anything and just to keep going. 

After doing that for about nine months my body finally crashed. I felt crappy, I was fatigued, my stomach hurt all the time, I didn't have the same energy levels, I could barely get myself up to work out, and even to work. 
I started working with specialists, therapists, acupuncturists... I searched for anything to make me feel better. 

Then I realized...the willingness to get healthy mentally and physically has to come from within. You can pay someone millions of dollars to help you- but unless you make that decision for yourself you will be stuck for a very long time. 

I think you almost have to be sick of feeling a certain way, in order to do something about it. Before being sick of feeling crappy, you also have to come with the terms with the fact you don't feel your best and you really aren't functioning to your best abilities. 

I was so used to being in a good mood most of the time, that suffering felt unnatural. I hated it. I still do. But I now acknowledge it. I know acknowledge those feelings, because once I do, they can move through me and I can expect something better on the other side. 

So if you're in that position- that position of denial, that nothing is wrong, then I ask you to surrender. Surrender to yourself, your feelings, and let it move THROUGH you. I've learned it's the first step to healing. 

Don't be afraid to be angry, to be mad, to be hurt. I hid those emotions for so long, until they actually physically manifested in my body through adrenal fatigue, aches and pains.  

I give you permission you to be a "Debbie downer" for a period of time. Just don't stay there. Take the appropriate time, and then freakin move on. 

I wish you healing and love- those of you that need it.